Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.

But I'm not laughing.
I'm cringing and squirming uncomfortably in my easy chair.
Don't get me wrong - I love furry pets and small woodland creatures.
But unless they're acting as furry pets or small woodland creatures, they have no place in marketing.

It all started a few years ago with the Quizno's Abomination. That...thing wasn't even recognizable as "animal" - it was a patchy conglomeration of roadkill bits at best. And they were hoping that that roadkill, through a series of grisly noises and stop-motion animations, would convince me to buy their over-priced sub sandwiches. Mmm, mmm, good!

Lately, KIA has jumped on the Quizno's bandwagon. Anthropomorphized hamsters will not sell cars. Even if they sport bling and rap. I don't care who you are. It will not work. Also, it will not give your kids warm-fuzzy feelings about the teddy bear hamster you're getting them for Christmas. Better start inventing bedtime stories about hamster-free worlds of gumdrops and unicorns now.

Someone somewhere in the deepest recesses of the pistachio business decided that the best way to boost sales of pistachios (the original low-fat snack...really? I had no idea. I thought it was Baked Lays.) was to run TV commercials. Ok. I can see the logic there: Monday Night Football fans are interested in snacking. Naturally low-fat is a bonus. However, instead of using things that appeal to MNF fans (ie: naked women, big burly beards, beer, and SouthPark), the pistachio marketing geniuses (genii?) featured a football player, Charlie Brown, and a cat.
Yes, a cat. Not even a fakey computer-manipulated cat. This cat is real, it's wearing an oversized t-shirt, it's playing a piano, its paws are being moved by human hands "hiding" under the shirt, and this cat is pissed. I NEED PISTACHIOS!

*Disclaimer: I am by no means insisting that I am a marketing genius or that my ideas are always brilliant enough to rake in gleaming piles of loot. However, I am a consumer. I buy things. I look at ads. I am moved by marketing schemes. Whether you move me to purchase your product, throw up, or look up a psychiatrist in the YellowPages is your choice. Choose well!